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F l e u r - D e - F e u
Come home, little soul...
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 1:14 AM
Come home, little soul
You have wandered too far
In the fields of longing for what was never yours
Like that wild flower you once found
Resting pretty atop a grave of severed hearts

Desire is a sly temptress
Shedding skins with the seasons
While solitude grew like vines
Entwining fingers that wouldn't grasp
Your static cling that drew me in
From the moment we touched

Come home, little soul
Standing transfixed on the cliff’s edge
You mistook a forest fire for the sun
And it seared away your insides
Till I salvaged you at dusk

Trembling at the murky depths
Of your wistful brown eyes
They drifted towards new shores
But I waded into the waters
Behind the curtain of the waterfall
To find a glimmering valley of stars

Come home, little soul
Love fades invisible to your gaze
Watching you stumble through the thorns
I bleed tears as they cut you down
Don’t you know your way home?
Don’t you know me by now?

© Akanksha Chauhan
Illustration by: Raphael Vicenzi

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One Tree Hill
Friday, October 17, 2014, 10:58 PM
17th October (late night thoughts).

It’s nearly the end of the year. How quickly the year has flown by! It’s astounding how much I've learned, felt and experienced in this short time.

365 days.

A chronological speck in this world we live in. Seems like an immense wave of knowledge has somehow been compressed into bit-sized Campbell’s cans and force-fed to an unprepared me. It’s a part of this hilarious cosmic joke where life seems to be saying ‘Deal with it’, in tune to Nike’s much celebrated catch phrase, ‘Just do it.’

You either choke or deal with it.

How I hated those three words when I first heard them. My first boyfriend used them once in the middle of a verge-of-break-up conversation, my parents said it, so did my teachers and so I told myself too. You see, the universe has this strange habit of moving in cautious circles much before it collapses into that delightful figure eight we call infinity. We get punishing doses of the same lesson, each more potent than the last, till it is firmly embedded in not just our memory but our very state of being.

So I finally faced it. Head on. I ‘dealt’ with it. There was a collision. There was considerable impact. There were broken bones and shattered hearts but there was also healing. There was growth. There was strengthening, kind of like a sword between hammer and anvil. You get beat down over and over only to emerge wielding the strongest blade. A friend once told me to always remember these words, ‘In the midst of winter, I found in me there was an invincible summer.’

But, wait. There is no violence or swordplay in my story. Well maybe a little violence but, definitely no swordplay yet. I just like thinking that I’m in the middle of a fairy tale sometimes. Makes that elusive ‘happy ending’ seem just a tad more attainable. Truth be told, real life is not as complicated as we make it out to be. Everything is clear, simple and bare to eyes that want to see.

Let me tell you a secret. I believe in magic.

I've been watching a lot of this show called One Tree Hill lately. This pretty awesome person I know started watching it with me and after they were gone it seemed like the only way to still remain connected to them. Needless to say I got hooked. As the story unfolded, season after season, so did the epiphanies. Among a whole bunch of teenage and adult drama, there is depth and realism to the show. Akin to real life, there aren't any black or white characters. Most people like to call the in-between a grey. It’s not.

We’re iridescent.

We’re beautiful; we are made up of a multitude of shades. You must have noticed how I love analogies by this point. That’s because these patterns and repetitions in life are not mere coincidences. There’s a reason the unicorn shits rainbows. There IS magic. We ARE living in a fairy tale. None of you surly cynics can tell me otherwise.

We aren't individuals defined from birth but we are the product of our circumstance, ever changing and mouldable like clay. We are sediments of our experiences, metamorphosing into solid rocks. This is what I realized as the show progressed. First I thought I could relate to Brooke, then I saw glimpses of Peyton, Nathan, Haley, Lucas, Mouth, Rachael, Skills, just about everyone in me. In 6th grade science class I learned that white light splits into rainbow hues.

Eram quod es, eris quod sum.

"I was who you are ------ you will be what I am"

But what about the black? Balance. For there is need of the light only wherein lies shadow. Two parts that make a whole.

Like any teenager I often wondered what is the purpose of it all? Why the trials and this constant mutation? Is it to find love, success, fame, fortune? None of these, if you ask me. It’s only evolution. We’re like Pokemon too in a way, you see. :) Just struggling to be better versions of ourselves everyday. That, I believe, is the purpose. Becoming a better you. Finding your gift and sharing it with the world, all the while loving what you’re doing. The purpose is simply to live.

In an episode I watched today, Peyton asks Lucas, “Who do you picture standing next to you the day all your dreams come true?” I asked myself the same question and thought about it long and hard. Nothing came. Zilch. Nada. Weird considering I’m a huge dreamer and always lost among the clouds. But it was all hazy. I dream a lot, trust me. But what is THE DREAM? I don’t know. Who is standing with me in that dream, I don’t know that either. Does that mean I've never loved? I’ve loved more times than I can count but nobody fits the picture yet because it’s a film that’s still developing. It could be anyone in the murkiness of that dark negative. I can easily come up with a dozen ideal scenarios of what I want my future life to be like but it wouldn't be the dream. The dream is bigger than me and my ego. It is bigger than my desires. This is all I know (and I now know that I know nothing).

There’s a difference between dreaming and wishing.

Sooner or later it will all be crystal clear but I’m in no hurry to find out. I’ll keep floating and taking each day as it comes hoping to make the most of every moment. It’s a good thing I've got a whole lifetime to figure it all out.

Over and out. J

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The Unfinished Story of Us
Friday, October 3, 2014, 5:51 PM
The Beginning
You found me, I, the romantically apocalyptic girl
And you, the endlessly fascinating boy from Pearl
A piteous, torn patchwork doll as far as the rest could see
But electricity, it drew you near to me
In truth, we are both damaged souls, you and I
Just that with your easy smile you were way better at pulling off a lie
For a time we knew magic, every waking second was bliss
Wonder how and why things started to go amiss
My adorable intervention, you’ve got some serious divinity in you
You vanquished my demons, the light inside me shone anew
Gave love a chance for the 7251934th time
How rich I’d be if every time they’d given me a dime
My near and dear ones’ warnings and protests rang loud and shrilly
Oblivious to their reprimands, I lost myself to the perfection of our melody 
Nothing else mattered and I surrendered to the whims of my heart
Little did I know, we were tainted by her shadow right from the start

The Revenant
It’s not always rainbows and sunshine, life gets tough
We succumbed to its pressures, love got a bit rough
But in the moments we stole, I always found my little infinity,
The wickedest of Wednesdays and an inexplicable synchronicity
Then something changed, you changed
The cloudless blue sky, it darkened and it rained
Like a vicious snake rearing its head,
She slithered into your consciousness, it all became red
Silently stalking us, I call her figure The Revenant,
Resurrected multiple times by feelings remnant
She wears talismans of Time that render my attempts helpless
Everything I do is negated, such is her serpentine prowess
The past, now you’re under her spell and I wish I knew a remedy
I curse Time, thinking it will be my endless enemy

The End
The end we both had known, was something impending
Beautiful and terrible, my love, you were unrelenting
When you said it out loud, the blow couldn't have cut deeper,
Sealing the fate of our love in the grim delivery of a reaper
Days later your words finally sank their weight into the depths of my soul
Hope, gasping and grasping, as I plummeted into this bottomless hole
Drowning in the blood shed from our severed hearts,
I felt my spirit dissolve and disassemble into parts
The Revenant knew her victory then
You were possessed before the clock had struck ten

The Aftermath
Scrambling among the debris, I desperately reach out to you,
Flailing hands clutching at air, seeking something to hold on to
But you’re long gone now, or are you?
I’m hurting every second, I feel so blue
Deny everything but search within and you’ll know it’s true
Even when my light is dying, my heart knows it has you.

© Akanksha Chauhan

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Only You
Thursday, September 6, 2012, 1:05 AM

Untwist those lips, dearest
You know that day I was far from my best
This unbecoming grimace
Sits sour on your pretty face
Believe me when I say I was in a daze
Honour this white pennant I raise
Starboard, a storm was ragin’
So abandon ship on the war you’re a-wagin’
What I want is to erase every trace
If I could I’d blow it all into outer space
Each piece, every last inch of dust
I’d do it all to regain your trust
Sometimes I wish I could dissect
Disassemble and disable the effect
Of this vile organ that bursts at the seams
Playing requiem to fragile dreams
Your sudden silence cuts savagely
Biting my tongue, I shrug passively
Underneath this calm visage I don
I’m hurting more than I let on
Eyes betray as I turn to go
Like the drops of rain on your window
Tip tap down my cheek
Slither, slide, saltwater sleek
Then without a word you turn it all around
Sweep me away with hardly a sound
Lover, I feel pretty reckless tonight
How ‘bout a whirlwind kiss in the moonlight?
Shut-eyed, tip-toeing
I’m light as a feather, floating
With your arms around me
Your tender touch sets me free
Anxiously our tongues collide
Trapeze dancers in a mid-air glide
Love shudders like applause
As this delightful duet lingers to pause
This rollercoaster we’re on hurtles break-neck
So what, my love, if it’s bound to wreck?
Take me up high into the sky
If you trust in magic, together we’d fly
Come my love, don’t be blue
Can’t you see? It’s only you.

-Akanksha Chauhan

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Saturday, January 29, 2011, 5:38 PM
For she who dreamed with eyes wide open,
Reality became mere notion
She lay curled in foetal position,
In the womb of a Utopia of personal cognition

Indifferent, languishing in this gilded cage,
The forsaken watched the other-world rage
A peaceful existence she led in this entrapment,
These self-inflicted confines of detachment

Until something in her world went amiss
She yearned for warmth, longed for a kiss
A dozen winters passed, many a spring sprung
Still she ached to dance, catch a snowflake on her tongue

Smothered by a fabric of her own construct
Asphyxiated, she started to self-destruct
Questioning the change she’d begun to affect,
Delving inwards, she began to introspect

She emerged wielding the sword for her redemption,
Rusty chains were slashed, arms freed from constriction
Breaking out of herself, fingers stretched to the sky
New wings were unfurled, it was time to fly.
©Akanksha Chauhan

By Yujimbo on deviantArt.com

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You Know Me
Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 6:02 PM

I am a godless heathen
That breathes the scent of death
With a voice like a pagan hymn
An amorphous existence
Shrouded in black robes of fear
A thousand full moons have waned
Into my silent eternal darkness
I have stalked you since your birth
Peering into my satanic scry
Courtesy: Zencefilruhu on deviantArt.com
I have seen the travails of life
Batter a soul that once exuded
The inexorable stench of joy
And when you abandoned hope
Unwittingly letting your guard down
To my stealthy subliminal attack
My sadistic being exalted
I slithered into your subconscious
Creeping under the crevices
Of a frail weathered mind
I probed the tendrils of your thought
And devouring the despair therein
I grew stronger and stronger
From the sinews of a troubled psyche
I fashioned gloom, wrought helplessness
You turned into my marionette!
Whimsically, I pulled some strings
And your knuckles whitened
Clutching the gun’s shiny metal
Index finger slowly pulled the trigger
BOOM! A scarlet spray of blood
My name is Suicide, and you my dear are
©Akanksha Chauhan (2011)

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For the times they are a-changin’...
Monday, January 3, 2011, 3:01 AM

To sum up 2010 in one word, I’d say volatile.

This year we were turned into unsuspecting guinea-pigs of some twisted science experiment. Hell yes, I could totally relate to the little furries as I watched my friends and I snatched out of our comfortable oblivion and thrust in the middle of a spinning wheel. Though we could sustain the torque to keep the wheel spinning i.e. live on, we were dizzied by the speed at which the pieces seemed to be falling apart even as the scientists smirked watching us suffer. Emotions seemed to explode in me like the exothermic reactions being carried out by those evil test tube-totting scientists. I endured.

This year brings with it a fresh promise. A reprieve from the clutches of those sadistic jailors is in the offing. The memories shall however linger, brought to the fore from time to time by clipped ears, a souvenir of the lab-rats’ unwanted sojourn. But at last we shall scamper free!

Hello, 2011!

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