17^th October (late night thoughts).

It’s nearly the end of the year. How quickly the year has flown by! It’s astounding how much I've learned, felt and experienced in this short time.

365 days.

A chronological speck in this world we live in. Seems like an immense wave of knowledge has somehow been compressed into bit-sized Campbell’s cans and force-fed to an unprepared me. It’s a part of this hilarious cosmic joke where life seems to be saying ‘Deal with it’, in tune to Nike’s much celebrated catch phrase, ‘Just do it.’

You either choke or deal with it.

How I hated those three words when I first heard them. My first boyfriend used them once in the middle of a verge-of-break-up conversation, my parents said it, so did my teachers and so I told myself too. You see, the universe has this strange habit of moving in cautious circles much before it collapses into that delightful figure eight we call infinity. We get punishing doses of the same lesson, each more potent than the last, till it is firmly embedded in not just our memory but our very state of being.

So I finally faced it. Head on. I ‘dealt’ with it. There was a collision. There was considerable impact. There were broken bones and shattered hearts but there was also healing. There was growth. There was strengthening, kind of like a sword between hammer and anvil. You get beat down over and over only to emerge wielding the strongest blade. A friend once told me to always remember these words, ‘In the midst of winter, I found in me there was an invincible summer.’

But, wait. There is no violence or swordplay in my story. Well maybe a little violence but, definitely no swordplay yet. I just like thinking that I’m in the middle of a fairy tale sometimes. Makes that elusive ‘happy ending’ seem just a tad more attainable. Truth be told, real life is not as complicated as we make it out to be. Everything is clear, simple and bare to eyes that want to see.

Let me tell you a secret. I believe in magic.

I've been watching a lot of this show called One Tree Hill lately. This pretty awesome person I know started watching it with me and after they were gone it seemed like the only way to still remain connected to them. Needless to say I got hooked. As the story unfolded, season after season, so did the epiphanies. Among a whole bunch of teenage and adult drama, there is depth and realism to the show. Akin to real life, there aren't any black or white characters. Most people like to call the in-between a grey. It’s not.

We’re iridescent.

We’re beautiful; we are made up of a multitude of shades. You must have noticed how I love analogies by this point. That’s because these patterns and repetitions in life are not mere coincidences. There’s a reason the unicorn shits rainbows. There IS magic. We ARE living in a fairy tale. None of you surly cynics can tell me otherwise.

We aren't individuals defined from birth but we are the product of our circumstance, ever changing and mouldable like clay. We are sediments of our experiences, metamorphosing into solid rocks. This is what I realized as the show progressed. First I thought I could relate to Brooke, then I saw glimpses of Peyton, Nathan, Haley, Lucas, Mouth, Rachael, Skills, just about everyone in me. In 6^th grade science class I learned that white light splits into rainbow hues.

Eram quod es, eris quod sum.

But what about the black? Balance. For there is need of the light only wherein lies shadow. Two parts that make a whole.

Like any teenager I often wondered what is the purpose of it all? Why the trials and this constant mutation? Is it to find love, success, fame, fortune? None of these, if you ask me. It’s only evolution. We’re like Pokemon too in a way, you see. :) Just struggling to be better versions of ourselves everyday. That, I believe, is the purpose. Becoming a better you. Finding your gift and sharing it with the world, all the while loving what you’re doing. The purpose is simply to live.

In an episode I watched today, Peyton asks Lucas, “Who do you picture standing next to you the day all your dreams come true?” I asked myself the same question and thought about it long and hard. Nothing came. Zilch. Nada. Weird considering I’m a huge dreamer and always lost among the clouds. But it was all hazy. I dream a lot, trust me. But what is THE DREAM? I don’t know. Who is standing with me in that dream, I don’t know that either. Does that mean I've never loved? I’ve loved more times than I can count but nobody fits the picture yet because it’s a film that’s still developing. It could be anyone in the murkiness of that dark negative. I can easily come up with a dozen ideal scenarios of what I want my future life to be like but it wouldn't be the dream. The dream is bigger than me and my ego. It is bigger than my desires. This is all I know (and I now know that I know nothing).

There’s a difference between dreaming and wishing.

Sooner or later it will all be crystal clear but I’m in no hurry to find out. I’ll keep floating and taking each day as it comes hoping to make the most of every moment. It’s a good thing I've got a whole lifetime to figure it all out.

Over and out. J

The Beginning

You found me, I, the romantically apocalyptic girl

And you, the endlessly fascinating boy from Pearl

A piteous, torn patchwork doll as far as the rest could see

But electricity, it drew you near to me

In truth, we are both damaged souls, you and I

Just that with your easy smile you were way better at pulling off a lie

For a time we knew magic, every waking second was bliss

Wonder how and why things started to go amiss

My adorable intervention, you’ve got some serious divinity in you

You vanquished my demons, the light inside me shone anew

Gave love a chance for the 7251934^th time

How rich I’d be if every time they’d given me a dime

My near and dear ones’ warnings and protests rang loud and shrilly

Oblivious to their reprimands, I lost myself to the perfection of our melody 

Nothing else mattered and I surrendered to the whims of my heart

Little did I know, we were tainted by her shadow right from the start

The Revenant

It’s not always rainbows and sunshine, life gets tough

We succumbed to its pressures, love got a bit rough

But in the moments we stole, I always found my little infinity,

The wickedest of Wednesdays and an inexplicable synchronicity

Then something changed, you changed

The cloudless blue sky, it darkened and it rained

Like a vicious snake rearing its head,

She slithered into your consciousness, it all became red

Silently stalking us, I call her figure The Revenant,

Resurrected multiple times by feelings remnant

She wears talismans of Time that render my attempts helpless

Everything I do is negated, such is her serpentine prowess

The past, now you’re under her spell and I wish I knew a remedy

I curse Time, thinking it will be my endless enemy

The End

The end we both had known, was something impending

Beautiful and terrible, my love, you were unrelenting

When you said it out loud, the blow couldn't have cut deeper,

Sealing the fate of our love in the grim delivery of a reaper

Days later your words finally sank their weight into the depths of my soul

Hope, gasping and grasping, as I plummeted into this bottomless hole

Drowning in the blood shed from our severed hearts,

I felt my spirit dissolve and disassemble into parts

The Revenant knew her victory then

You were possessed before the clock had struck ten

The Aftermath

Scrambling among the debris, I desperately reach out to you,

Flailing hands clutching at air, seeking something to hold on to

But you’re long gone now, or are you?

I’m hurting every second, I feel so blue

Deny everything but search within and you’ll know it’s true

Even when my light is dying, my heart knows it has you.

© Akanksha Chauhan